Did I really just say that?!?

Have you ever put your foot in your mouth so badly that days later you still turn bright red when thinking about it? That’s where I am at right now. Get ready to lose all respect for me. Are you ready? Here goes – I just asked a woman who had already had her baby, WHEN SHE WAS DUE! Oh my God, I just hid under my covers after I typed that last sentence. It’s so horrible, right?!? Why am I even asking? I know how horrible it is! It’s right up there with…nope, it’s not up there with anything. It’s the worst question you can ask someone who is not pregnant! Ever!

Here’s what happened. My son went to school with a little girl whose mom was pregnant. I ran into this mom from time to time and always thought she was super sweet. I enjoyed our conversations and if I was going to be staying here longer I would have definitely tried to be her friend.

I saw her the other day for the first time in probably a month or two. She was by herself and I was with my son, so I was a little distracted (that’s still no excuse though). As she was walking up to me, I definitely had a moment where I thought, “Her belly looks smaller than it did the last time I saw her.” That should have been my big epiphany moment right there that she had already had her baby. Nope – as soon as the thought went into my head, it scurried right out.

We said hello and she asked me when we were moving. I told her. It was then my turn to ask a question. I could have asked her anything. How’s your summer going? How did your daughter like summer camp? Where did you get your earrings? Anything! I decided to ask her, “When are you due?” She looked at me funny and then politely said, “Oh, um, I already had my baby. Two weeks ago!”

F-CK! F-ckity f-ck f-ck! [Read more...]

I gave my daughter my iPhone – and she broke it

This post was submitted to me yesterday by a reader. Why do I have a feeling our kid’s punishments are always going to hurt us more than it hurts them?!?

I let my 4 year old daughter play with my iPhone all of the time because I am a bad parent who needs a few minutes each day where I am not either a) playing barbies with my daughter or b) being begged to play barbies with my daughter. Actually, let me rephrase that. I used to let my daughter play with my iPhone all of the time. As of this morning, I no longer have an iPhone since my daughter threw it at the wall in the midst of a tantrum and smashed the screen into little bitty pieces.

There is no amount of deep breathing or counting to ten that could have prevented me from completely losing it when I heard the phone smash into the wall. I was angry and she knew it. She knows I’m going to replace it (how could I not?). She also now knows she will never [Read more...]

Are we there yet?

We travel a lot to visit family so my son is used to long car rides. They aren’t very fun though – for any of us. Especially since my son is unlike most children who fall asleep in the car. He tends to be super alert and if he naps, it is a short one. Around the 6 hour mark, things definitely get a little hairy. We have special car toys, special books, special music and lots and lots of snacks that we reserve for these long drives. The problem is he is now used to our “special” goodies and has become immune to them. We need some new tricks – fast!

Next week, we are moving (again) and have another long car ride ahead of us. This time though, my husband and I both have our own cars so we aren’t all traveling together. There won’t be two of us to combat the “I want to get up NOW” tantrums. We will have to switch off who gets the toddler and who gets the zen, quiet ride.

I’m looking for any and all car ride tricks that you use to keep yourself from wanting to drive off the nearest bridge when traveling with your kids. So please leave me a comment with some of your road trip survival ideas. No idea is too simple (I like simple!). While you leave me comments on what I need to purchase to survive this upcoming drive, I will be packing. My husband and I like to keep things interesting by waiting until the last possible second to pack. We are rebels like that.

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You have got to be sh-tting me!

Another day, another poop story. I swear you guys, poop seems to have taken over my life! Are you ready for the latest? My son has developed a fear of pooping. Yes, you read that right. My toddler is afraid to poop. I mean, seriously? I was prepared for the usual stuff – the dark, monsters, those freaky mascots at sporting events. I was not prepared for him to develop a fear of a necessary bodily function.

A couple of weeks ago, he got sick. He had a high fever, he was getting his molars, and on top of it all, he got constipated. When he finally pooped, it was painful for him. We were at a restaurant so the scream that erupted from him was actually pretty painful for everyone! That single event negated over two years of him having normal, happy little poops.

The next day, I noticed he didn’t poop at all, which is quite rare for him. The day after that he would stop what he was doing every now and then and shout, “No! No!” Then the moment would pass, and he would go about his business. After the third time of him doing it, it clicked. He’s fighting the poop!! I went out and bought him some prune juice and a bunch of foods that would help get out the poop. Nothing worked.

By the third day, it was clear that he was in pain. He couldn’t even eat because there was no room left in his little body for anything. Per doctor’s orders we gave him some miraLAX and a suppository. In case you have never used a suppository let me tell you how it works. [Read more...]

Life’s not always easy

One year ago, I left the city where I had spent ten years building a life for myself and moved to a new city, in a new state. To say I was dreading the move would be an understatement. I was leaving my friends that I loved, my job that I loved, and the city that I loved to move to a new place where I didn’t have any friends, didn’t have a job, and didn’t really care to get to know the city. It was a tough time in my life, made tougher by some internal struggles that I was facing that not too many people knew about.

Throughout my life, I have suffered on and off from anxiety attacks. These anxiety attacks can literally take over my life. I hadn’t had one in so many years that I really thought that I had grown out of them and found a way to move past them. During my pregnancy I was obviously anxious at times, but anxiety attack free. Unless you struggle from anxiety attacks, it is almost impossible to explain the difference, but while everyone feels anxious every now and then, an anxiety attack is all consuming. I feel nauseous, I feel light headed, and my brain keeps saying, “I can’t,” on a constant loop. Your flight or fight instincts kick in even when there is no imminent danger and all you want to do is flee. I was so happy that I wasn’t having these feelings during my pregnancy. I was good. The day I went into labor I was also good. I had the baby, brought him home, and I was still good. Good!

And then my son became colicky. He cried constantly. The only way to get him to stop crying was to carry him and walk with him. If you sat, he knew it and the wailing would begin. If you put him down in a swing or bouncer, he knew it and would scream. So I held him and I walked. All day and all night. My husband would leave for work and I was walking him in my arms. He came home 12 hours later and I was doing the same thing. I didn’t have any family close by and all of my friends were at work, so I was alone – a lot! I wasn’t eating and I wasn’t sleeping. When my son was 6 weeks old, it all finally caught up to me. I was feeding him and I got light headed and almost passed out. My vision got blurry, I got really hot, and my body started to shake. That was one of the most frightening moments of my life. What if I passed out while holding him? I walked over to his crib, put him in, and while he wailed, I laid on the floor hoping I wouldn’t pass out and panicked over what to do. I didn’t know who to call for help. It was horrible. In that moment, my anxiety attacks came flooding back.

I became very anxious to be alone with my son for fear that something would happen to me and there wouldn’t be anyone there to take care of him. I would dread when the weekends would end, and would often wake up in the morning and throw up. That’s how anxious I was about the day ahead. I didn’t know how to take care of my colicky, high maintenance son and myself at the same time. I learned to deal with the anxiety as time went on, but it was always there. [Read more...]

Parental Fail

Yesterday I made a major parenting faux pas. I couldn’t help it though. I started a war and I lost. I underestimated how stubborn my son can be and overestimated my willpower. Major parental fail.

Here’s what happened. Like most tiny tots, my son has a specific routine that occurs before naps and bedtime. Part of the routine entails him kissing his stuffed animals goodnight and tucking them in with a blankie. My son has become the master procrastinator. He has started dragging this routine out and quite frankly it is exhausting. When it’s time for bed, it’s time for freaking bed, right ladies?

Well yesterday, I decided to play hard ball. He was so miserable and was throwing tantrum after tantrum after tantrum. Clearly a sign that baby needs a nap. Pronto!! I also had a migraine and just wanted to lay down and take a nap myself. When it was time to tuck in his little friends, he refused to take the blanket and do it. After several requests to get him to do it, I said to myself, “F-ck it. I’m the boss here. It’s nap time and he’s going in with or without tucking in his freaking friends.” I tucked his friends in, and then continued on to our singing portion of the nap time routine. [Read more...]

Good-Time Dad

By: David

It’s finally happening. I knew that it would – it was really only a matter of time. My husband has become the good-time dad while I have become the fun police. I’m in danger of losing my title of favorite parent and I need to put a stop to this madness. Immediately!

As a stay at home mom, my son is my “job.” I am responsible for making sure he is fed, changed, washed, etc. My husband works outside of the home. He gets to swoop in at the end of the day like a genie and grant three wishes to my son. “You want to sit up front and pretend to drive my car? Ok! Ice cream AND cookies? Sounds good! You want to play on the big kid playground? Why not?”

Now, here’s what I sound like: “Please don’t let him sit up front in the car, because then he expects to do it before we get into the car EVERY SINGLE TIME. We are in and out of the car a dozen times a day, and I can’t let him spend ten minutes doing “beep beep” every. single. time! Please don’t give him both ice cream and cookies. Last time you did, he woke up in the middle of the night crying that his belly hurt. And I was the one who was up with him! Please don’t let him on the big kid playground because the last time he fell and cracked his head.”

Do I sound like a nag or what? Do I need to relax and just let go? Probably. That’s easier said than done though. When you are the one getting up in the middle of the night because their belly hurts, it’s hard to just let it go. When you are the one who’s child is throwing a fit in the grocery store parking lot because he wants to sit up front and do “beep beep” for the 7th time that day, it’s hard to just let it go. You know? [Read more...]

I received advice on how to conceive…from my dermatologist!

Some days I feel like I am living in the twilight zone. Yesterday was one of those days. I had an appointment with a dermatologist because I have a new spot on my nose that I thought I should get checked out. Keep in mind that I have never met this dermatologist before. This was my first visit. I feel this encounter would best be brought to life, if I give you the he said/she said transcript of my visit. Get ready – it gets uncomfortable!

Dr: Hello. Nice to meet you. What brings you in today?
Me: Well, I have a small spot on my nose that is new, so I thought I should have it checked out.
Dr(looks at my face): Hmmm…I see you have a bit of acne. I can prescribe something for you if you would like.
Me: Oh…ok. I’m trying to get pregnant though, so I would have to be careful on what I use.
Dr: You’re trying to get pregnant? How old are you?
Me: 34.
Dr: Oh, yeah. You’re not so young anymore. You need to get on it.
Me: Huh?
Dr: I’m going to give you some advice. You are old now so no messing around and having sex for fun. If your cycle is regular, then day 14 is when you ovulate (he starts making a chart for me with x’s and circles). Are you regular?
Me (nods head with eyes bulging out of head) [Read more...]

With a little help from her friends (and strangers too)!

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The woman in this picture is 34 years old. She’s a mom and she’s a wife, and has recently been diagnosed with Breast Cancer. She is fighting for more months at a stage in her life where she should be able to count on decades. I don’t know her personally, but I don’t need to. She could be me, or my sister, or my best friend. She could be any of us. That’s enough to make me want to help. I hope after reading this, you will feel the same.

What started as symptoms of back pain and fatigue, escalated quickly into a life altering diagnosis. Before learning her diagnosis, Shari was busy living a full and demanding life as a pediatric occupational therapist, wife, and new mother. She was planning her summer, and looking forward to traveling with her family and catching up with friends at the end of May. Not thinking the symptoms she was experiencing were related to anything more serious than an infection, she carried on with everyday life until her discomfort reached an intolerable level.

In early June, Shari was diagnosed initially with Stage III breast cancer. She anticipated a fairly straightforward treatment plan involving a double mastectomy and reconstructive surgery. Though it meant a difficult road ahead, it was means to an end, and would allow her the possibility of moving forward cancer-free. Sadly, over the course of a few weeks, more testing revealed that the cancer had spread beyond the primary site, advancing the diagnosis to Stage IV.

There is no cure for Stage IV cancer, only treatment to reach potential remission.

The funds raised will be immensely helpful in covering costs associated with Shari’s treatment, including travel between Dallas and Houston for chemo, appointments, prescriptions, lab tests, and home care. Most importantly, the funds will offer peace of mind while Shari navigates the long road ahead with her husband Dave and their 16 week old baby, Olivia.

Please visit this website for more information: https://www.youcaring.com/fundforsharianddave

Assistance in the form of a donation, a retweet, or facebook share, would be extremely helpful. A few minutes or a few dollars will mean so little to you in the grand scheme of things, but so much to this family who is going through an extremely difficult time. Writing this post and donating to her site only took me 10 minutes, but I can promise you, it will have been the most important thing I do all day.

This blog is a place for us all to come and laugh about the absurd things that happen to us as wives and mothers. As I heard Shari’s story today, all I could think about is how grateful and lucky I am to have these experiences with my husband and my son. Tomorrow, I’m sure I’ll be back to bitching about the mundane, but for today I will end this by saying that everyday I get to spend with my family is a gift, and I love the insanity that is our life together.

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Taking candy from a baby

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I had decided last week that I was going to officially start potty training my son. He has been giving me signals for a while now that he may be ready, but to be honest, I haven’t been ready. It just seems like such an undertaking! I know I can’t delay it forever though and I figured that since he enjoys sitting on the potty so much, I would try to entice him to actually do his business on it. On Sunday, I went out and bought him a bag of M&M’s for a little motivation.

Unfortunately, on Sunday night, those M&M’s kept calling my name. I couldn’t concentrate on anything else, knowing that they were a few feet away from me in the pantry. They were begging me to have a few. I figured there was no harm in indulging in a small handful. There would still be plenty left for tomorrow’s potty training adventures. Well – that small handful turned into three big handfuls and before I knew it, the bag was gone. I tried to rationalize what I had just done. No biggie, I thought. I’ll just get him another bag tomorrow and we can start potty training the next day. My son had no idea that potty boot camp was about to begin anyway, so no harm, no foul. Ugh, the things we tell ourselves to alleviate the guilt, right? [Read more...]